This blog is about sharing my own story and things I’ve learnt through a work injury, chronic pain and suffering. This blog is for everyone. For you who have had an injury, who daily live with chronic pain and are suffering. It is for those who walk alongside you and often have their own stories of suffering arising from watching the change that injury has had upon your life. Everyone’s experience is totally unique to them and so I can only truly speak upon my own experience of injury, pain and suffering in the hope that it’ll be helpful to others out there. Unfortunately, pain and suffering are universal problems of life, yet even in that fact we are not truly alone; as we all have these themes woven into our lives. For me my relationship, faith and spirituality with Jesus has been deepened and has given me a hope, an anchor beyond the physical realities of my body. In this blog I will be writing about what I have learnt in many facets of life eg, spirituality, emotionally, mentally and relationally often they will overlap. But that is the beauty of our experiences, they are not one dimensional and so my hope is that as you read this blog you’d leave it a little bit more encouraged than when you first came across it. 

I want to take a quick minute to explain in a nutshell my injury story. It happened in the summer of 2018. I was working in aged care and had an accident with one of the residents. After it happened  the resident was physically all okay however, I suffered a spinal L3 – L4 disc herniation. Within twenty four hours I was in excruciating pain from my lumbar back down to the tips of my toes and could hardly move. I was off of work for a few weeks which was even more stressful because WorkCover was now involved. I tried to return to work in the months following but the pain got worse and the injury was starting to impact my ability to walk properly. I started to walk more like a calf when it is first born and is trying to find its land legs. In April of 2018 I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with Cauda Equina symptoms. Basically I had to go to hospital because I pooped myself…But the reality is that Cauda Equina could potentially have left me paralyzed, so it’s not a joking matter. From there my walking became markedly different and I left the hospital a few days later with a walking frame.

 I became housebound and in June of 2018 I had spinal surgery – Partial L3 – L4 Discectomy and Laminectomy….basically to get rid of the disc impeding my spinal canal and the laminectomy was to give more room for my nerves. However, it didn’t go to plan. The neurosurgeon could only partially not fully remove the disc because it had calcified, it was too thick to get through without causing more problems – permanent paralysis. So, normally after this surgery you can get up and walk properly…I couldn’t walk so I was transferred to a physical rehabilitation hospital three days after surgery. From there I started with hydrotherapy and re – learnt how to walk for about four weeks. The pain in my back and legs didn’t go away, as hoped. But returned almost immediately after surgery. From there I was able to go home with two walking sticks. 

Since then I have done a lot of physical therapy, have educated myself on new pain science and have implemented my knowledge. But even so, chronic pain has been consistently present in my life. An unwelcome visitor wreaking havoc in most areas of life. I use a walking stick if I’m out of the house, if I go further I use my walker and if I am further again I use a wheelchair. But this is all just scratching the surface of a much deeper experience and reality. 

Wherever you are on your journey with chronic pain or walking alongside someone with it, I hope you know that you are not alone. That there are others who know these journeys are difficult. In sharing my story I hope that you are encouraged in some small way.

By the way this blog won’t be written in chronological order necessarily but more how I sense it should be expressed.

Peace,

Coco.

The Jail 

 I named it “The Jail.” This three by three white room gave off a cell like vibe. The paint tried to hide the thousands of stories held captive within them. A room where more than broken hips and spines came to rest; a place where dreams shatter. My dreams of returning to the work I loved. Of using my legs like I did before the accident. No more pain or sideward glances. Dreams of not feeling like a freakshow. Now shattered.

The door which had a small glass window just above the handle was perfect for keeping an eye on the prisoner on the inside. Except there were no criminals. Only patients who have stories crinkled and cracked within their faces, broken hips and bodies. Though I was the youngest in this physical rehab hospital, my story was etched by a scar down my spine. A scar that tells my story, though in many ways it had just begun.

That first night is etched into my memory, like my tattoos are in my skin. I laid straight on my back. Anxiety rose up within my chest, gripping its burning hands around my throat as the crushing realisation settled upon me, the spinal surgery didn’t go as planned. I should have been able to walk straight after it. But I could not. Just like a burp that you know is there but never comes, so too was my walking. I knew how to, my brain or spine just wouldn’t burp out the message to my nerves and legs.

 As anxiety grew like a monster under the bed, threatening to throw me into the stormy sea. I sensed an inward voice gently washing over me with wave after green, silky, blue, salty, peaceful wave. The velvety voice said, “In me you live, move and have your being. Let’s do this rehab together. Let’s re – learn to walk together” (Acts 17:28). Jesus’ presence felt like a big warm hug and I fell into deep sleep as he watched over me.