Let me confess one fear I’ve struggled with. I am scared that one day I might be fully paralyzed. The specialists have said the heavily calcified herniated disc that is shaped like a thorn is, at this stage, keeping me from being fully paralyzed. So, I currently can walk up to a point, but my legs go numb and give way without any warning.

My mobility is fluid. Sometimes I can use my legs pretty well. When I am out of the house, I use a stick or walker depending how far I am going and I use a wheelchair if it’s needed. This is obviously better than being fully paralyzed. But what about as I age? Bones get thicker and more brittle. 

  A little while ago I had a pain spike that lasted a few days. Oh boy, it was such excruciating pain that I wished I was giving birth. I thought to myself that I’d have an end in sight and there’d be a purpose to the excruciating, relentless pain – a baby.

In these times it can be hard to see that there would be any good that could come from me as I am in that particular moment constrained to my bed. The unwelcome fear pokes up its ugly face. It is actually a fear of the future; that the injury will get worse with the effects of ageing, and I’ll be paralyzed. Yet, the truth is that whether paralyzed or healed I am called, I have inherent dignity and was created for a purpose. He is always with me. Not sometimes. He is literally always with me. He knows my fears better than I do. More importantly, he knows the future.

I have often cried at night and sometimes still do. Mostly because there is grief over how I was before my injury and what was lost because of the injury. I never used to have to use a walking stick, walker or sometimes a wheelchair beforehand. But now my legs get numb and give way without any warning. Not only do I have a markedly different walk to most, sometimes I have to drag a leg that’s gone completely numb along with me. In these nighttime cries, I am scared of what my future might hold and I’m just so exhausted by the relentlessness of dealing with daily pain and limitation.

Yet, even as I turn in my bed trying to get comfortable Jesus is there. He gently illuminates my heart and I see that the underlying problem is actually because I am not in control and oh, how I want to be. I want to control my body and future. I sense Jesus wrap his arms around me as he kindly says, “My daughter, release your fears and surrender your desire for control over your body and life. Let me take them for you. This painful reality you struggle to accept does have a point and purpose. Let me unfurl it at the right time.”

I had a dream one night. In the dream I heard this voice, I sat bolt upright and somehow, I was the Apostle Paul! Then God said that he wasn’t going to heal me yet as, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9, emphasis added). Then the dream just ended, I woke up straight afterwards and felt this warming peace wash over me and I knew that whatever was to come, his grace and power would be sufficient for each moment. 

From that dream I decided to get a tattoo of an anchor to remind me that no matter if I do become paralyzed his grace will give me strength to lay down my longing for control. To lay down my whole heart bare in front of him, knowing that he is faithful to supply his grace and power even through excruciating pain. He reminds me that a life lived surrendered does glorify him and bears eternal fruit. 

So, having written all this I choose to trust my body and future to him who has the best track record of being trustworthy. I can really relax into his arms of safety and know that he can and will use my small little life for his glory.

My Child…

This is written from the perspective of what God; our heavenly father might say to his child/ children. It is not the Bible.

My child,

I know you long for control over your body and life. My dear one, it is not a right that you have, to call the shots. You live in a fallen world, and I take no delight in your suffering. Know that I have not caused the chronic, exhausting pain you experience but I love to take your hardships and turn them to your good, the good of others and for my glory. My word says, “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). 

But the key to surrendering control over your body, life and future is a matter of the heart. Can I ask a question; do you trust me? Ultimately, it comes down to whether you trust me to lead you through all of life or whether you trust in your own limited power. Dear heart, remember I am absolutely trustworthy. My word says, “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). You’ll notice that I don’t say to trust me with only certain parts but with all of your heart. That means that where you desire control that you can entrust it to me.

I am the one who created all facets of understanding so as you trust your heart to me the more confident you will become because I am the one that will hold you up as you lean into me. My ways are different to yours. There is mystery. Learn to be okay with this truth. As my word says, “for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). But I open my arms and heart to you, my dear child.

Take refuge in me, come sit with me for my throne is one of grace, mercy and joyful inheritance. Come in close and find the help you need in me, as my word says, “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). Each new dawn you will find grace and mercy to help you every moment of your life. This includes those moments of exhaustive pain; I am with you. I will give you grace as you surrender your heart’s desire for control. Release that burden here at my throne and I will make your tears water the flower of trusting love I have placed in your heart. Come see the view from my lap.

Love,

your heavenly father,

God.

Work Cover tip for the Injured Person….

Seek legal aid as soon as you are injured or very shortly afterwards.

Make sure you understand their terms and any fine print. Take a trusted family member or friend along with you.

It is also important to find one that you feel comfortable with them and their style of representing you.

I was able to find one through legal aid that referred me to Unions SA who then were able to advocate somewhat for me but then referred me to a good, kind Worker’s Compensation lawyer.

Work Cover tip for Family, Friends and Colleagues…

Make sure that you are doing things to look after yourself too. Seeing your friend and loved one suffer and trying to help them out physically and emotionally is very selfless of you. However, it is not selfish to take some time out just for you.