I Am Pilgrim

This post is going to be a bit like exposing a raw nerve part way through getting your tooth evicted…painful! But sometimes to expose our struggles helps to move us through the pain and come into the sunlight of reclaiming, reframing and renaming what has been laid bare. So here we go, I’ll take a deep breath and dive into it. I want to share bravely, so that you too might feel encouraged to share your journey with boldness and bravery. 

With the Work Cover process there are lots of people that get involved and if you’re like me being the centre of attention is extremely stressful. With lots of people being involved it is inevitable that there are many reports and tons of paper being used, which does sadden my tree hugging nature! One such report was from a Neurosurgeon that I saw. Now, he in no way mentioned about weight being a medical problem to do with the issue he was seeing me for. So when I read the following six words in his report, they floored me.

He wrote….

1. “Unfortunately…
2. She…
3. Is…
4. Still…
5. Over…
6. Weight…”

Six words. That’s all it took. Six. Little. Words. The alphabet turned from sounds to words that confounded me as they tried to keep me bound from transcending my injured body.

“Unfortunately… She… Is… Still… Over… Weight…”

They sank to the pit of my stomach just as though I’d swallowed a large apple pie whole – baking tin and all! These words made me feel that I had failed all the years of physical rehabilitation, including re – learning to walk. I felt like a fake when I needed to use my walker. Which I still use to this day. It’s as though I’m faking the fact that my legs go numb, feeling like ghosts live in them. Or the daily battle of electrical pain coursing through my back and legs is just make believe.

It hurts because I have done my very best, I’ve been engaged in ALL of my rehabilitation. Yes, I am larger now. But no matter my size words can hurt just the same as anyone else. 

Still, underneath all of this lies the fact that it shone a light on my own struggle. Unwanted light. Like when light pierces through your eyelids as you deal with a migraine and your head feels like a giant watermelon ready to explode. 

Yet at least this light gives illumination to the heart and mind. It shone on the reality that I have struggled, arm wrestled with self – esteem. It’s been a battle most of my life, yet some seasons are better than others in this aspect of life. I am mostly okay with who I am, just not necessarily how I am in my body. Which is why it hurts to see those words. Since my injury I have had to get used to a new body. I am sometimes vulnerable and sensitive to how others perceive me physically. But I am coming to a place of accepting that as a whole person I am more than my body.

But why should it matter what others might write, say, or how they may stare? Is my perception of how others might perceive me actually correct? Whether or not I have interrupted other people’s words or actions correctly they are an opportunity to take them to Jesus and leave them with him as he declares other six words that reclaim my true identity? How would my heavenly father rename those six words, what would he say?

“1) You.

2) Are.

3) My.

4) Precious.

5) Image.

6) Bearer.”

How he renames me is filled with more truth and healing than anything the doctors, specialists, work cover, strangers or even myself can say or write about me. This truth is just as true for me as it is for you. Let me invite you to ditch the names, the lies that Work Cover have said over you and take up the truth that you are forever loved.

My Child…

_{Note: this part is written from the perspective of what God, our father might say to his child/children. It is not the Bible…}

Live in the words I give you! Your worth is not found in the size of clothes you wear, the lowest calories consumed, following the newest fad diet, smashing it out at the gym, specialist’s opinions, your own thoughts and feelings. These are false indicators of worth. Strip them off and live free in me.

Live in the words I give you! From the very start I have called you to be my image bearer, to resemble me in some ways. Just like a baby reflects some of the physical traits of their parents, you reflect some of my spiritual traits. Which means that all people on earth deserve respect and dignity, this includes you too. Please, my precious child, show and treat your body I have created with respect and dignity (Psalm 139:13). 

Live in the words I give you! I invite you to find out what your true royal identity is in me and live free (1 Peter 2:9). Here are a few reminders of who I say you are and how I see you.

• You are saved – 2 Timothy 1:9 
• You are complete – Colossians 2:10
• You are chosen – 1 Thessalonians 1:4
• You are my child – 1 John 3:1
• You are redeemed – Ephesians 1:7
• You are wonderfully made – Psalm 139:14
• You are light – Matthew 5:1
• You are justified – Romans 5 :1
• You are more than a conqueror – Romans 8:37
• You are called – 1 Corinthians 7:17
• You are victorious – 1 Corinthians 15:57
• You are accepted – Romans 15:7
• You are beautiful – Song of Solomon 4:7
• You are special – 1 Peter 2:9
• You are precious Isaiah – 43:4
• You are healed – Isaiah 53:5

These are your true attributes in me and because of my son, Jesus, they are yours freely to receive. Live in the words I give you.

Often people will only look at the outside of a person and whilst your physical body is important, there is so much more to you (1 Samuel 16:7). It is the tip of the iceberg, there so much more and do not listen to the lies that come against you. Bring to me what people say or write and let me show you if it is worthy of being part of the special identity that I have uniquely crafted in you. After all, you are my masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).

What you experience in your body is important to me. Why do you think I sent my son, Jesus in human form? It was so that you would know that he is, that we are, right there with you. To identify with what it is like to be fully human means to experience joys and the deepest darkness of pain and suffering (Isaiah 53:3 – 5, John 1:1-5, Hebrews 12:2). Yet through Jesus, pain, suffering and death do not have the final word. I do. I will bring life from death.

Live in the words I give you. I am your true light illuminating the path forward (Psalm 119:105). My child do not live in the dullness of apathy for you are called to live in the light (Colossians 1:13). Just as the sun shines its brightest on cloudless days, let my light shine even brighter in your heart and life. For in me there is no night, no darkness at all (Psalm 139:12, Psalm 18:28, John 8:12, John 12:46). So, throw off the heaviness of others words and the disempowering systems that humans create. Throw them off and live wild, free to dance in the light of life, in my son, Jesus.

Live in the words I give you.

Love, your father, God.

Bible Verses…

Psalm 139:13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Isaiah 53:3 – 5 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.

John 1:1- 5 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. he was in the beginning with God. all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Hebrews 12:2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Psalm 139:12 Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as day, for the darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 18:28 For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.

John 8:12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 12:46 I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.

Colossians 1:13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves.

Work Cover Tip for the Injured Person…

It may be helpful to find a support group near you. The city that I live in does not have any support groups for injured workers. There is one which I believe you can join via zoom, but it is based in New South Wales called Injured Workers Support Network. You can do a google search to find where you can access support. Even social media such as Facebook can have support groups. 

In terms of body image and improving upon that practice gratitude towards your body. Write down one thing, everyday why you’re grateful for your body as it is right now, which for me is my injured body. Also watch the Embrace documentary on Netflix. It is by the Australian of the 2023 recipient, Taryn Brumfitt. Also check out her website bodyimagemovement.com for further information. 

Work Cover tip for Family, Friends and Colleagues…

What words we use are so important. As your loved one comes to terms with their “new” body make sure you speak positive but honest words to them and pull them up on negative speech. Rule of thumb if you wouldn’t want it said to you, don’t say it to another.  

Let me confess one fear I’ve struggled with. I am scared that one day I might be fully paralyzed. The specialists have said the heavily calcified herniated disc that is shaped like a thorn is, at this stage, keeping me from being fully paralyzed. So, I currently can walk up to a point, but my legs go numb and give way without any warning.

My mobility is fluid. Sometimes I can use my legs pretty well. When I am out of the house, I use a stick or walker depending how far I am going and I use a wheelchair if it’s needed. This is obviously better than being fully paralyzed. But what about as I age? Bones get thicker and more brittle. 

  A little while ago I had a pain spike that lasted a few days. Oh boy, it was such excruciating pain that I wished I was giving birth. I thought to myself that I’d have an end in sight and there’d be a purpose to the excruciating, relentless pain – a baby.

In these times it can be hard to see that there would be any good that could come from me as I am in that particular moment constrained to my bed. The unwelcome fear pokes up its ugly face. It is actually a fear of the future; that the injury will get worse with the effects of ageing, and I’ll be paralyzed. Yet, the truth is that whether paralyzed or healed I am called, I have inherent dignity and was created for a purpose. He is always with me. Not sometimes. He is literally always with me. He knows my fears better than I do. More importantly, he knows the future.

I have often cried at night and sometimes still do. Mostly because there is grief over how I was before my injury and what was lost because of the injury. I never used to have to use a walking stick, walker or sometimes a wheelchair beforehand. But now my legs get numb and give way without any warning. Not only do I have a markedly different walk to most, sometimes I have to drag a leg that’s gone completely numb along with me. In these nighttime cries, I am scared of what my future might hold and I’m just so exhausted by the relentlessness of dealing with daily pain and limitation.

Yet, even as I turn in my bed trying to get comfortable Jesus is there. He gently illuminates my heart and I see that the underlying problem is actually because I am not in control and oh, how I want to be. I want to control my body and future. I sense Jesus wrap his arms around me as he kindly says, “My daughter, release your fears and surrender your desire for control over your body and life. Let me take them for you. This painful reality you struggle to accept does have a point and purpose. Let me unfurl it at the right time.”

I had a dream one night. In the dream I heard this voice, I sat bolt upright and somehow, I was the Apostle Paul! Then God said that he wasn’t going to heal me yet as, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9, emphasis added). Then the dream just ended, I woke up straight afterwards and felt this warming peace wash over me and I knew that whatever was to come, his grace and power would be sufficient for each moment. 

From that dream I decided to get a tattoo of an anchor to remind me that no matter if I do become paralyzed his grace will give me strength to lay down my longing for control. To lay down my whole heart bare in front of him, knowing that he is faithful to supply his grace and power even through excruciating pain. He reminds me that a life lived surrendered does glorify him and bears eternal fruit. 

So, having written all this I choose to trust my body and future to him who has the best track record of being trustworthy. I can really relax into his arms of safety and know that he can and will use my small little life for his glory.

My Child…

This is written from the perspective of what God; our heavenly father might say to his child/ children. It is not the Bible.

My child,

I know you long for control over your body and life. My dear one, it is not a right that you have, to call the shots. You live in a fallen world, and I take no delight in your suffering. Know that I have not caused the chronic, exhausting pain you experience but I love to take your hardships and turn them to your good, the good of others and for my glory. My word says, “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). 

But the key to surrendering control over your body, life and future is a matter of the heart. Can I ask a question; do you trust me? Ultimately, it comes down to whether you trust me to lead you through all of life or whether you trust in your own limited power. Dear heart, remember I am absolutely trustworthy. My word says, “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). You’ll notice that I don’t say to trust me with only certain parts but with all of your heart. That means that where you desire control that you can entrust it to me.

I am the one who created all facets of understanding so as you trust your heart to me the more confident you will become because I am the one that will hold you up as you lean into me. My ways are different to yours. There is mystery. Learn to be okay with this truth. As my word says, “for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). But I open my arms and heart to you, my dear child.

Take refuge in me, come sit with me for my throne is one of grace, mercy and joyful inheritance. Come in close and find the help you need in me, as my word says, “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). Each new dawn you will find grace and mercy to help you every moment of your life. This includes those moments of exhaustive pain; I am with you. I will give you grace as you surrender your heart’s desire for control. Release that burden here at my throne and I will make your tears water the flower of trusting love I have placed in your heart. Come see the view from my lap.

Love,

your heavenly father,

God.

Work Cover tip for the Injured Person….

Seek legal aid as soon as you are injured or very shortly afterwards.

Make sure you understand their terms and any fine print. Take a trusted family member or friend along with you.

It is also important to find one that you feel comfortable with them and their style of representing you.

I was able to find one through legal aid that referred me to Unions SA who then were able to advocate somewhat for me but then referred me to a good, kind Worker’s Compensation lawyer.

Work Cover tip for Family, Friends and Colleagues…

Make sure that you are doing things to look after yourself too. Seeing your friend and loved one suffer and trying to help them out physically and emotionally is very selfless of you. However, it is not selfish to take some time out just for you. 

_{Accept my prayer as incense offered to you,}

_{and my upraised hands as an evening offering.}

_{Psalm 141:2}

The past four months since starting this blog I have shared writing that is quite serious. So, I thought it was time to mix it up a bit and share something that I found fairly funny. Well, at least I thought so at the time…

With the myriad of health professionals poking and prodding my body I sometimes start to feel like a tenderized piece of steak. I have joked with friends during the COVID – 19 pandemic that I should get a QR code tattoo because of all the medical visitors I have. 

At my firstly and only CT guided Cortisone Injection appointment I had an awfully human moment. We all have these moments. Some decide never to talk about them as they are too shocked about what their bodies can do, they block all memory of such moments. Others might silently acknowledge these moments to themselves but do not share them out of embarrassment. Still others like me see the funny side. I’ll be honest though, when you’re injured you need to be able to see the funny side of things.

So, I’ll be brave and share…

Ahem…

here we go…

I was getting my first ever shot of Cortisone Injections into my Sacroiliac joints and Lumbar 5 Facet Joints. For those who don’t know these terms it just means the lower spine and the end of the bottom bones. Because I was struggling with pain on both sides this meant I had to have four Anesthetic needles and four Cortisone Injections. To make sure it got right to where it was meant to, they used a CT scanner. I had to remain completely still. How hard could it be?

I was helped onto the CT bed and laid on my front. Which is always difficult when you have a spinal injury. I managed it and tried to breathe slowly so they could mark up the spots for the needles that were inevitably coming my way. Just a side note – it’s important to say that I hate needles. Yes, I have eight tattoos, but I still hate medical needles. I think they hurt more, particularly anesthetic ones. Also, by laying on my front I couldn’t see where the needles were going or the people that I was having to trust to get it right. So, it did show me that I have a general lack of trust of those in the medical field. Anyhow, let’s get back to it…

The procedure that seems to be followed with Cortisone injections include marking out the exact positions of where the needles are to go. Then they put in the anesthetic needles into the marked spots. After which come the Cortisone needles. I didn’t realise how painful it would be to actually have this procedure done.

I think it had hit a nerve because I felt a sudden pain all the way down my right leg. It was like an electric shock and spasm at the same time. Suddenly I felt like I was going to be sick. The assistant brought me out of the CT scanner and gave me a throw up bag, just in case. I had been so cautious not to over breathe that I hadn’t breathed enough and that made me feel sick. After a few minutes I was then okay enough to continue. Afterall we were almost halfway through the procedure…

So, as I heard the procedure starting over again, I focused on Jesus being present with me and to take my mind of what was happening I started to pray for different people. I like praying for those that Jesus shows me to pray for.

Then I had to…

pass wind. 

Fart. 

Bottom burp. 

Rip one.

pop off…

I tried to squeeze my bottom together so that I wouldn’t gas everyone as they were putting the needles in. The nurse thought I was anxious again and said for me to relax so they can get to the right spot. So, I had to just let loose the SBD fart (Silent but Deadly). At that moment I was reminded that the Bible says that our prayers are like sweet smelling incense rising up to our heavenly father’s nostrils. I wondered if my prayer was acceptable to him as the fart, I had to let loose wouldn’t have smelt sweet at all. As I focused on Jesus being with me, I thought he’d be holding my hand within his and the other pinching together his nostrils to stop the farty smell entering his nose. Then it was all over.

Apparently, lots of people feel instant relief from the pain they were in but of course I have to be different! I was in pretty extreme pain. However, I did get time to spend and talk with Jesus, what can be better?! I hoped that my little prayer might rise to God as an enveloping beautiful fragrance that wafts throughout the heavenly places. Maybe it’d smell like Chanel No.5 or Marc Jacobs Daisy, perhaps even Jadore. Well, I hope so.

My Child…

_{^{Note: This part is written from the perspective of what God, our father might say to his child/children. It is not the Bible…}}

People look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Don’t worry so much what other people may think of you. Don’t even judge your own outward appearance, there is so much more to you than what is seen. Don’t judge your situation to as an embarrassment. For when you choose to live for me your perspective will change.

I know you use humour to cover your pain, but let it out and release it to me. For I alone turn mourning into joy (Psalm 30:11-12).

I see your disappointment at all the things you’ve tried to help return yourself back to 100% “normal” but why strive for normalcy? I made you to stick out from crowd. This place is only temporary, this pain is only temporary. So I invite you to live for that which is eternal. I have set eternity in your heart and as you perceive this you will find confidence in not being “normal”(Ecclesiastes 3:11). Look at the night sky, each star is different and yet each shine brightly. Even more will you shine brighter as focus on me and not your situation.

Know that you are loved my child.

Love,

your father God.

 

Bible Verses…

Psalm 141:2 _{Accept my prayer as incense offered to you, and my upraised hands as an evening offering.}

1 Samuel 16:7 ^{_{But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”}}

Psalm 30:11-12 _{^{You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!}}

Ecclesiastes 3:11 _{^{Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.}}

Work Cover Tip For The Injured Person…

Don’t be afraid of getting more than one doctor’s or specialist’s diagnosis or opinion regarding your injury. Especially if surgery is mentioned. 

Work Cover Tip For Family, Friends & Colleagues...

Be gentle and patient. There is often grief when someone loses their work because of an injury.

Dear readers, well it’s the second day in May and I have yet to post this month’s blog. Unfortunately, I have had COVID – 19 and haven’t been heaps well with it. I have now recovered but not in time to properly write May’s blog. So, I am going to be kind to myself and focus on making June’s blog even more fantastic than the others!

_{Some wandered in the wilderness, lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. “LORD, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Psalm 107:4 – 9} 

_{But I would feed you with the finest wheat. I would satisfy you with wild honey from the rock. Psalm 81:16}

_{Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43: 19}

In seasons that look so desolate not even a cactus would survive, the promise is that our father will help us. He will satisfy our drooping spirits and fill our needs. Sometimes I wonder if the desert I’m in will ever end, if I’ll ever see a season of plenty again. Yet, the Holy Spirit led me to these verses that demonstrate his goodness even in hard seasons. The Bible doesn’t say that God will only provide all that we need when we are at a new luscious season in life. It says that he will rescue and satisfy us with good things, with wild honey from the Rock, even in desert seasons.

Honey is used both for eating and even in healing. It is sweet and so many like the taste, but it is also good for anti – inflammatory, skin conditions, wound healing, hay fever and even fertility. Jesus is the foundation of our faith (1 Peter 2:4). This means that even in the prickly, painful and long seasons of desolate desert Jesus is the only one who can provide sweetness, healing and provision. He not only makes a way through but provides rivers of refreshment in these difficult times (Isaiah 41:18).

But what does that look like practically for you? For me, it has meant being present with Jesus and noticing little glimpses of sweetness. Feeling the wind in my hair and seeing flowers growing. Being thankful that I do have a gopher to get around the town in and being shown kindness by family, friends and sometimes strangers. Listening to new worship music that just takes my eyes off of myself and back onto Jesus. Now, these may not seem like good examples of a gushing river of wild honey, healing and provision. Yet, for my heart they all add up. I can have joy because I have everything I need in Jesus who is the Rock, so even in hardship there is joy mingled with pain. I can keep walking through the desert because I know he leads and provides for me. He whispers and sings to me words that bring life, he teaches and opens my heart to learn truth too deep to express with words. All I can say is that his sweetness brings sticky glorious revelation of who he truly is; a brother, saviour, healer, King. Honey.

My Child…

^{Note: this part is written from the perspective of what God, our father might say to his child/children. It is not the Bible.}

I know you’ve wandered in a dry season where it can be hard to see any fruit or purpose. But I have gone before you into these hard seasons and have provided provisions as well as a way through. Just as I did when Israel wandered in the desert. I sustained them with my glorious presence from which flowed heaven’s bread and meat to fill them (Exodus 16:4-5). For you I will provide just as miraculously. 

It may seem strange to think you can get honey out of a rock. But not to me for I am the Rock. Turn to me today and all your needs will be met, in me!

Lift up your eyes and see my river of grace, love and healing flowing to you. Taste the honey of my sweet presence with you, even in these times. Know there is a reason for all seasons in life and nothing is ever wasted. You don’t have to understand all of the reasons why. But know that I am with you and I am always good. I never change. So, rest in me as I am the only sure thing in this world.

My child, I do love you. I do truly see and know you. Just as Hagar named me El Roi – the God who saw her, I too see you and know you (Genesis 16:13).

Come to me and rest, as I extend my glorious honey to you.

Love, your father, God.

Bible Verses…

1 Peter 2:4 ^{_{You are coming to Christ, who is the living cornerstone of God’s temple. He was rejected by people, but he was chosen by God for great honor.}}

Isaiah 41:18 _{^{I will open up rivers for them on the high plateaus. I will give them fountains of water in the valleys. I will fill the desert with pools of water. Rivers fed by springs will flow across the parched ground.}}

Exodus 16:4 – 5 ^{_{Then the Lord said to Moses, “Look, I’m going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food as they need for that day. I will test them in this to see whether or not they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day they will gather food, and when they prepare it, there will be twice as much as usual.”}}

Genesis 16:13  _{^{Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”}}

Work Cover Tip for the Injured Person…

It is important to hone up on your administration skills! Keep your diary up to date, keep all correspondence, keep all receipts, scans etc. But if you’re like me and not gifted in administration, then I would suggest asking family or a friend who is gifted in this area for help.

Work Cover Tip for Family, Friends and Colleagues…

Encourage your loved one or friend towards independence. Encourage them to do as much as they can for themselves. However, do so with compassion. Learn the signs of frustration and be willing to step in if needed.

I am always in pain. Mostly I would describe it as a burning sensation in my lower back, bottom and legs. Somehow, I’ve gotten used to having pain, it’s kind of like a bad guest that hangs around all the time. Other times my pain is even worse than an unwanted guest and is more like being sawn in two and acid being poured into my back and legs. This pain is white hot and stabbing sort of pain.

These two realities can happen within the same day. When I’m in the second type pain no amount of remedies help. I just have to go to bed and rest. In these times all I can do is listen to worship music and be in God’s presence. As people come to mind, I pray. Though I can’t always make it through the whole prayer but Romans 8:26 -28 encourages me, “likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” So, I let Holy Spirit guide me and when I can’t, he can. In many ways this is best because it will be in accordance with the will of God. In all things I want to be led by Holy Spirit and I encourage you to listen to his voice today.

Although my heavenly father has allowed this injury and chronic pain, he uses all things to our good, just as Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” He has used this pain to bring me to a place where, often I can only be and not do. But even in this place that may seem dry, barren and dead there is also potential for refreshment, deep fruit and ultimately true life with my heavenly father.

I’m learning that it is here in the hidden depths, in the being rather than doing that we find all we need in life is right inside us and all around us. Jesus. He alone is the one who never leaves us. Who truly understands the pain we feel and has overcome it. In him pain and death are swallowed up in victory and unending life, it is out of this relationship that everything else flow. Whether or not we are in physical pain or are completely pain free. Whether or not we are abled or disabled. It is from this hidden place of being that the tasks of life can flow from.

My child,

Come to me and rest. I know your body is in such pain. I want you to know that I am not heartless. I see your pain and can relate to it. I am well acquainted with pain, sorrow and suffering (Isaiah 53:4). My heart is deeply saddened to see any of my children suffering. Know that I am right there with you and there is nothing that will ever separate my love from you (Romans 8:35).

I am the love that will soothe your pain and help you see above the circumstances and restrictions of your body. Look at me and see my eyes filled with tears of compassion for you, my child. I love you so much that I came to earth and experienced what it means to be human. I too have experienced the restriction of a body. Know that I have overcome all your pain and suffering by dying on a cross and have been raised to life. I have made a way forward for you that will lead to eternity. Surrender your life, plans, disappointments, dreams, fears and all your pain. As you do your life will become even more beautiful than you can imagine.

I have set you on my knee in the heavenly places so that you can see your life from my perspective (Ephesians 2:5 – 7). Though I have not caused your disability I have allowed it. This can be hard to understand. All you really need to know is that I have a plan to use all these hard times you’ve walked through for your good and my glory (Romans 8:28 – 30). I am busy making all things new, where there will be no more pain of any kind and no more tears (Revelation 21:4).I’ve collected each tear you’ve ever cried because they are precious to me (Psalms 56:8).

In a culture that worships comfort, I will use your physical uncomfortableness to demonstrate where true comfort and love comes from – me, your heavenly father (2 Corinthians 1:3 – 6).

I am so proud of you, my child. My eyes well up with pride, for I know the journey has been filled with such blinding pain and yet you’ve responded by re – focusing and re – setting your gaze upon me. I know you have been distracted at times but your heart is to be laid down in surrender to me. I honour you, remember you have inherent dignity because I created you. I don’t make mistakes.

Love,

your heavenly father.

Bible Verses

^{Isaiah 53:4 – Surely, he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him and afflicted.}

^{Romans 8:35 – Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?}

^{Ephesians 2:5-7 – Made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions, it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.}

^{Romans 8:28 – 30 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.}

^{Revelations 21:4 – He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.}

^{Psalms 56:8 – Record my misery, list my tears on your scroll are they not in your record?}

^{2 Corinthians 1:3 – 6 – Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.}

Work Cover Tip for the Injured Person…

Make sure that you are taking time out to do something you enjoy. Something that gets your mind off of Work Cover.

It can be as simple as watching a favourite movie, reading a book, painting your nails, going to your local cafe and meeting with friends. If you’re physically unable to visit friends, phone them. Reach out to them. Invite them over and don’t worry about the state of the house, true friends see beyond it!

Work Cover Tip for Family, Friends and Colleagues…

Simply.

Listen.

Hear.

Make sure that you are actually listening and hearing to what your loved one or friend is saying.

This blog is about sharing my own story and things I’ve learnt through a work injury, chronic pain and suffering. This blog is for everyone. For you who have had an injury, who daily live with chronic pain and are suffering. It is for those who walk alongside you and often have their own stories of suffering arising from watching the change that injury has had upon your life. Everyone’s experience is totally unique to them and so I can only truly speak upon my own experience of injury, pain and suffering in the hope that it’ll be helpful to others out there. Unfortunately, pain and suffering are universal problems of life, yet even in that fact we are not truly alone; as we all have these themes woven into our lives. For me my relationship, faith and spirituality with Jesus has been deepened and has given me a hope, an anchor beyond the physical realities of my body. In this blog I will be writing about what I have learnt in many facets of life eg, spirituality, emotionally, mentally and relationally often they will overlap. But that is the beauty of our experiences, they are not one dimensional and so my hope is that as you read this blog you’d leave it a little bit more encouraged than when you first came across it. 

I want to take a quick minute to explain in a nutshell my injury story. It happened in the summer of 2018. I was working in aged care and had an accident with one of the residents. After it happened  the resident was physically all okay however, I suffered a spinal L3 – L4 disc herniation. Within twenty four hours I was in excruciating pain from my lumbar back down to the tips of my toes and could hardly move. I was off of work for a few weeks which was even more stressful because WorkCover was now involved. I tried to return to work in the months following but the pain got worse and the injury was starting to impact my ability to walk properly. I started to walk more like a calf when it is first born and is trying to find its land legs. In April of 2018 I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance with Cauda Equina symptoms. Basically I had to go to hospital because I pooped myself…But the reality is that Cauda Equina could potentially have left me paralyzed, so it’s not a joking matter. From there my walking became markedly different and I left the hospital a few days later with a walking frame.

 I became housebound and in June of 2018 I had spinal surgery – Partial L3 – L4 Discectomy and Laminectomy….basically to get rid of the disc impeding my spinal canal and the laminectomy was to give more room for my nerves. However, it didn’t go to plan. The neurosurgeon could only partially not fully remove the disc because it had calcified, it was too thick to get through without causing more problems – permanent paralysis. So, normally after this surgery you can get up and walk properly…I couldn’t walk so I was transferred to a physical rehabilitation hospital three days after surgery. From there I started with hydrotherapy and re – learnt how to walk for about four weeks. The pain in my back and legs didn’t go away, as hoped. But returned almost immediately after surgery. From there I was able to go home with two walking sticks. 

Since then I have done a lot of physical therapy, have educated myself on new pain science and have implemented my knowledge. But even so, chronic pain has been consistently present in my life. An unwelcome visitor wreaking havoc in most areas of life. I use a walking stick if I’m out of the house, if I go further I use my walker and if I am further again I use a wheelchair. But this is all just scratching the surface of a much deeper experience and reality. 

Wherever you are on your journey with chronic pain or walking alongside someone with it, I hope you know that you are not alone. That there are others who know these journeys are difficult. In sharing my story I hope that you are encouraged in some small way.

By the way this blog won’t be written in chronological order necessarily but more how I sense it should be expressed.

Peace,

Coco.

The Jail 

 I named it “The Jail.” This three by three white room gave off a cell like vibe. The paint tried to hide the thousands of stories held captive within them. A room where more than broken hips and spines came to rest; a place where dreams shatter. My dreams of returning to the work I loved. Of using my legs like I did before the accident. No more pain or sideward glances. Dreams of not feeling like a freakshow. Now shattered.

The door which had a small glass window just above the handle was perfect for keeping an eye on the prisoner on the inside. Except there were no criminals. Only patients who have stories crinkled and cracked within their faces, broken hips and bodies. Though I was the youngest in this physical rehab hospital, my story was etched by a scar down my spine. A scar that tells my story, though in many ways it had just begun.

That first night is etched into my memory, like my tattoos are in my skin. I laid straight on my back. Anxiety rose up within my chest, gripping its burning hands around my throat as the crushing realisation settled upon me, the spinal surgery didn’t go as planned. I should have been able to walk straight after it. But I could not. Just like a burp that you know is there but never comes, so too was my walking. I knew how to, my brain or spine just wouldn’t burp out the message to my nerves and legs.

 As anxiety grew like a monster under the bed, threatening to throw me into the stormy sea. I sensed an inward voice gently washing over me with wave after green, silky, blue, salty, peaceful wave. The velvety voice said, “In me you live, move and have your being. Let’s do this rehab together. Let’s re – learn to walk together” (Acts 17:28). Jesus’ presence felt like a big warm hug and I fell into deep sleep as he watched over me.